As I drove to JC to meet girls from my Class 15' freshman group for dinner I reflected on how much I missed college. How much I missed those random trips to McDonald's or Sonic while "studying for Sociology", sliding on our socks in the hallway, late night talks, Simply Apple, taking pictures during class, and Well dances. If you asked me if I would go back to high school, it would be an automatic "NO", however I would go back to my freshman year at ETSU in a heartbeat.
This whole "adulthood" thing isn't all it was cracked up to be. If I'm honest with myself, I have only exprienced a very mild version of adulthood. I still live at home, and although I am very much indpendent in a lot of things, my parents still do a lot of things for me that they don't have to. Don't get me wrong, I absoultely love my job. I love my kids, my co-teacher, and my school. I have been very blessed in where I have been placed and wouldn't change it for the world. There is no doubt in my mind that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. When I say that I would go back to college, I wouldn't change my major, I would just go back to those nights when being a responsible adult wasn't necessary. ( Not that I got into any major shannigans, but I like to thnk I had fun!)
I've learned a lot since this May, like how much an eye appointment costs, how confusing insurance is, and being an adult is not fun! :) More than that, being a teacher is hard..really hard. I'm really overwhelmed about 98% of the time, and I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up with what's next. I am still in awe that the Lord provided me this job, my dream job. I still can't get over the fact that I am teaching in my old classroom, I would like to think my kids think that it is as cool as I do (I remind them constantly)! However, I have to be on it 100% of the time because teaching is important. (At one point during reading I killed a bug, picked it up with a tissue, and threw it away while still teaching.) During my new teacher orientation I was introduced to this quote, and I really believe it is 100% true. Teaching matters, and I have already seen the benefits of how rewarding it is, but the pressure to do well is tough, because I don't want to disappoint myself, my principal, my school..and most of all my students.

I spend most of my waking hours planning, organizing, cutting, researching, or thinking about school. I thought that I did a lot of work in college, but it doesn't quite compare. Please don't think I'm complaining, because I'm not, I'm just saying that I spend a lot of time working on stuff for school. i just know that I could do so much more. I want to be the very best first grade teacher there is. I want to please everone, I want my students to learn and enjoy while learning ,and I want to impress. I know that the Lord has called me to this for a reason, why else would he place me at the exact spot I had always dreamed about. However, I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he has up his sleeve.
I randomly found a book on our book shelf at home called
You Matter More Than You Think. I started it last night, and boy does it speak to me already. It got my attention with the very first line in the summary on the back... "How can I make a difference when some days I can't even find my keys?"...If you know me, then you know that is right down my alley! I've really struggled with trying to find a balance between meeting standards, forms, and all the above and really being Jesus to my students. I know God's called me to be there, but how in the world do I balance that and making sure that I teach them all the things that I am required to teach them. I want them to always know that I love them and that I care about them, but I feel that I am constantly throwing tens and ones, adjectives, and writing down their throat. How can I truly make a difference in their life when I can barely remember to take them to the bathroom, on my way to take them to the bathroom (don't ask..it was a long day). Like I shared with another educator earlier this evening, "How in the world do I make time for Jesus with Common Core??" I was joking, but really. I am stressed with the pressure to do well, because I don't like to disappoint. I don't like to fail, and I always strive to be the best, because well that is what I've been taught to do. I don't know if that is a good quality to have or not because sometimes I allow the competitive side of me to take control and cause sin in my life. The author shared this verse, and it summed up my feelings pretty well...
"Make a careful exlporation of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." Galatians 6:4-5 MSG
I need to stop and think, slow down, breath and realize what the Lord has given me (Oh what a blessing it is)! I can't compare myself with others, because I have a different life. There is nobody else in my exact life for a reason, because God created me (as crazy and spastic as I may be) exactly for what he had planned. "That's why measuring the way we love against the way someone else loves is bound to lead us down the wrong path." I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to take a deep breath, and do the best that I can with the blessing God has handed me. I guess all I can do is love. God isn't asking me to do something crazy, he is just asking me to love, with a kind of love that only He can be a perfect example of. I haven't gone above and beyond in my first two months of teaching, but I have certainly worked hard. Now I hope that I can take a deep breath and realize that "What matters is that you are making the best use of your life by loving the people in it. This is the difference that endures."
I know that this is spastic and crazy, and probably doesn't make any sense...but you see my mind is a little spastic and crazy..and I'm ok with it!